1. Did you willingly surrender your money at the beginning of your experience?

2. Have you sworn to serve a charismatic individual named Balsam?

3. Do you lie awake at night brainstorming ways to please the collective?

4. Does Balsam have a friendly, yet unsettling smile?

5. Do you fear being caught out of your room whilst eating cookies at 2:00 a.m.?

6. Are you prioritizing Balsam’s comfort and joy over your own?

7. Have you been completing repetitive, meaningless tasks out of a sense of obligation?

8. Do you sink into a state of self-loathing when your efforts fail to impress Balsam’s followers?

9. Are you resentful of the family you once loved?

10. Do you get excited when Balsam gets new clothes?

11. Has your cognitive function been negatively impacted by systematic sleep deprivation?

12. Do you expect your dedication to Balsam be rewarded by an omniscient being who is meticulously tracking the behavior of all mankind?

Answer Key:

Yes to 1-12: You have joined a cult.*

Yes to 1-12: You have an Elf on the Shelf.**

*If your answers do not change by December 26th, you are definitely in a cult. Your loved ones are likely planning an intervention.

**If your answers do change by December 26th, you probably just have an Elf on the Shelf. If your friends and family care about you at all, they are still planning an intervention. Throw out that high-maintenance North Pole spy and reclaim your life.